Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
