I looked at my own cervix.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
