why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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