You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
