the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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