It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
this will be a night to untag.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Couch. On fire.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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