Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
