Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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