if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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