If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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