So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
