OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
