Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
