No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
