Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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