dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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