I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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