In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
