You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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