member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
