My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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