is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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