as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There r osticjed everywhere
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
