At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
