If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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