Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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