I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He kissed a someone with a penis
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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