My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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