2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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