My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
