i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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