i would punch a child for taco bell
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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