His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
