I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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