If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
