you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Girls should come with a carfax report
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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