I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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