i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
