Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
