i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
