Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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