okay pat passed out under dana's car
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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