why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
