Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
