Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My penis needs a shock collar
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
