I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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