There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
