if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Four minutes until I can fart!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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