you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
