My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
